Act II

Living Room, the evening after the previous one.  Dad, Mom, Charlie and Julie are sitting in their own beanbag chairs.  The whole family is watching television.  Charlie is skulking.  Mom is trying to rest a glass of wine on her beanbag, but it keeps falling over and spilling the contents on the rug.  

Mom – Oh Fich!

Dad – What does that mean.  

Mom – It’s the German word for–

Julie (Quietly) – I was talking to Ricky the other day, and he said he would like me to move in wiv’ ‘im.  
No one pays any attention to her.  Mom and Dad resume talking about the German word.

Julie – I’m already packed.  I’m going to go now.  See ya.  (She leaves)

Charlie (Realizing what just happened, looks up from his skulking) – Um… Mom! Dad!  (Mom and Dad look up from their conversation.)

Mom – What’s the matter Charlie?  I know we don’t like, pay much attention to you, but you need to realize that the grown ups are talking here.

Charlie (Almost in tears) – Why do you think of me as a kid?  I hate you!  (Runs off, crying)

Dad  (Gazing after him)– Well, that was oddly un-grown up of him.

Mom – So what were we talking about?  Oh yeah, that German word.

Dad – Where’d Julie go?

Mom – Probably just going to play with her little friends outside.

Dad – What little friends?

Mom – You know, her little friends she hangs out with, the ones she always talks about.

Dad  (Surprised) – I didn’t know she had friends.  I thought she just said that so she wouldn’t seem like a loner.

Mom (Cuffing him on the side of the head) – Don’t say that!  I really hate that word.

Dad – Ok, so what happened to Julie?

Mom (looking around) – No idea.

Dad – Well I think we should look around. (They both start look around them)

Mom – That was useless.

Dad – Yep.

Mom – What do you think we should do about it?

Dad – Dunno.

Mom (Scratching her head) – Um, maybe we should call Ricky’s.

Dad – Who’s Ricky?

Mom – He’s her boyfriend.

Dad (Shocked) – SHE HAS A BOYFRIEND?

Mom – Yeah.

Dad – Well just shoot me!

Mom (Reaches under the table, takes a shotgun and aims it at Dad’s head) – Ok.

Dad (Dives away from the table, hides behind the kitchen counter) – WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TRYING TO DO?!  DO YOU REALLY WANT TO KILL ME?!

Mom – You told me to shoot you.

Dad – Are you crazy or something?!  You know that I joke around, right?

Mom (Putting the shotgun down, disappointed) – But I thought you were serious.

Dad (Getting up from behind the counter) – When I say to shoot me, it’s just an expression, not a damn invitation!

Mom (Starts pouting) – Sorry, I just felt like shooting someone.

Dad – Well, that’s not natural, I think you should see a doctor.

Mom – I don’t think that would be necessary.

Enter Nigella.

Nigella  (Addressing the audience) – To be quite honest with you, I think that those trousers do not work on you dear.

Mom – Who exactly are you talking to Nigella?

Nigella – Them (Points at the audience)

Dad (Follows her finger) – Where are they?  That constant bright light is beginning to hurt me.

Mom (Looks at audience with a frown) – I think I see people. (Speaks loudly to the audience while annunciating each word very clearly as if she were speaking to a person who can not speak English)  WHY ARE YOU HERE?!  WHAT DO YOU WANT!  DO YOU NEED FOOD!  OR DO YOU NEED A BATH! (Turns to Nigella).  Why are they all staring at me?  

Dad  (Still looking at the audience) – It looks like they’ll be there for a while.  Let’s ignore them.

Mom – But it’s hard, cause they’re like, just looking and doing nothing.

Nigella – Maybe their job is to look after us.  Like guardian angels.

Mom – Come on Nigella, it can’t be that.  They don’t have wings, and they don’t smell too holy either.

Dad – Ok, whatever, like I said, let’s ignore them.

Mom – All right, let’s.

Dad (Resumes normal conversation whilst sitting down at the table) – So how has you day been so far Nigella?  Have you had any mishaps?

Nigella (Also resuming normal conversation whilst sitting down at the table) – None that I can remember.  You know it is quite hard to remember things when one is old, it is almost like a piece of cheese that has gone off.  Smelly on the outside, but sweet and tender on the inside.

Dad – What?

Mom (Who is still not sitting at the table, addresses Dad) – I think they’re still watching us.

Dad – What?!

Nigella – Cheese is like a piece of rug when it is rotten.  Hairy on the outside, but with nutritious goodness on the inside.

Dad (Gets up from the table, grabs a hold of Mom’s shirt, dragging her out of the dining room into the wings.) – Now, I think you need some rest and relaxation to get your mind together.

Mom (Coming back out from the wings) – But I don’t wanna!

Dad – Oh Jesus Christ!  I am sick and tired of you doing this to me!  Why the hell should I even be married to you!

Mom (Moving seductively toward Dad) – Are you saying that I don’t arouse any interest within you?

Dad – Well… no, no you don’t!

Mom (Very hurt) – I guess this is like it then!

Dad – I guess it is.

Mom – I can’t believe you’re doing this to me.  I hate you.

Dad – Well I hate you.

Mom – I hate you.

Dad – I hate you more.

Mom – I hate you more!

Dad – We’re acting like kids you know.

Nigella – Come on children, you need to start loving each other more.  It goes like this:  once upon a time, my friend Henry the cat was walking down the road with his friend George the octopus.  They were having a gay old time, when all of a sudden, Mister Fred the Badger came out of the bush and spoke to them about the stock market.  

Dad (Trying to understand what she is saying) – Ok, so by your definition, our marriage is like being spoken to by a badger.  (Having an epiphany) Oh my freaking god that makes so much sense!  (Turns to Mom)  I am so sorry for being such a bad person to you Katelynn. (Over-dramatically)  I love you!

Mom – Go fornicate yourself with a rusty iron stick.

Dad (Stopping midway between himself and Mom) – What did you say?

Mom – I said go fornicate yourself with a rusty iron stick.

Dad (Just as angry as before) – That is it!  I really hate it when you don’t think rationally.  I’m leaving you!  (Very business-like) You can have the children, and I can have the house.  Ok?

Mom – Sure.  So how much do you want to give me per year?

Dad – I was thinking about 12 000.

Mom – Sounds fair to me.  (Overly politely) Have an absolutely beautiful day.  I hope you find someone who would have the guts to kill you.

Dad – I hope you find a good education.

Mom – Bye bye!

Dad – Take care of the kids!

Exit Dad.

Enter Charlie.

Charlie – Where the hell is everyone?

Mom (Helping herself to some booze at the kitchen counter) – Your father has decided to leave us.  And Julie is out somewhere.  I frankly don’t care where she is, that stupid spoiled brat.

Charlie – I know that, but why did they all leave? (Leaning in toward Mom whilst pointing at the audience) And what the hell are they doing here?

Mom – Don’t look at them, or they might get feral.

Charlie – I really can’t stand this country.  You know that right?

Mom –Yeah, sure, whatever.  But honestly, what isn’t there to like here?  We have everything we need, and it isn’t as communist as other places.

Charlie – You must be joking.  Everyone is watching each other.  The government is probably listening to our conversation as we speak.  (Speaking to “the government”)  Hello you stupid tea drinkers!  Come get me if you are really scared of me!

Nigella – You may want to watch yourself Charlie.  They are actually probably listening.

Charlie – They might deport me for all I care.  In fact, I’d rather go back to Canada.

Mom – You don’t wanna do that, it’s completely useless.  There’s no one in Canada apart from your uncle Vinnie, who believe me would not want a dirty wimp like you to be hanging around.

Charlie – I hate you.

Entering through the kitchen window are two men dressed in black suits.  They are NSPCC agents.

NSPCC Agent 1 – Mrs. Flekenstein?

Mom – Yeah that’s me.  What’re you doing here?

NSPCC Agent 2 – We’re here to arrest you and your husband for beating your children.

Nigella – What are you on about?  You must be on crack or something.

Mom (While being handcuffed) – I think you’ve got it all wrong.

NSPCC Agent 1 (Proudly) – We never have it wrong.  We’re government agents.

Mom – Take me away!  You will never stop us from doing what we do!  WE ARE PROUD.
NSPCC Agents 1 and 2 drag Mom out who is yelling and screaming.

Charlie –You know what Nigella?

Nigella – I was talking to my friend the other day, and she said that one should always carry a box of tissues with oneself.  It is sanitary.

Charlie – You’re on crack.

Nigella – Now crack is a very unsanitary thing.  You should never do any.

Curtain